IMPERFECT JOURNEY

NOT World Peace

2012-01-31T12:03:00.000-08:00

No matter how deep my sorrow, how confusing my path, how afraid I am, or overwhelmed by life in general, I have deep, inner peace in my heart and mind. But I didn't find it from the things of this wonderful world, our beautiful Planet Earth. Jesus told the disciples to listen to Him closely and not forget what He was telling them. He promised to give them a GIFT - the GIFT of peace in their hearts and minds.

I can't explain how the PRINCE OF PEACE did that.

But He did and still does...

No matter what I've been through, the storms of my life (and there's been many the past seven years), there is always that unmistakeable presence and peace of God resting in my soul, cheering me on, giving me hope. I much rather prefer His GIFT that never ends. Even when the most awesome experiences, or beautiful or fun, or cutest, or breathtaking things of this wonderful world push to replace it.

Nothing can.

What are you doing now to find that peace? If you pray and truly connect with God's most precious Son, you will not be disappointed, you will not come up empty, you will be satisfied.

Peace to all my family, friends and readers. I welcome your stories and comments.

Lovingly,

Marilyn xo

THE FIRST EASTER

2011-04-14T11:03:00.000-07:00

The priest steps behind the inner veil in the temple, lifts the knife to sacrifice the lamb on the alter for atonement for sin for the people waiting outside. Jesus, dying on a cross outside of town, cries, "It is finished!" The earth trembles & quakes. Startled, the priest drops the knife & the lamb escapes as the sacred veil of the temple is torn from top to bottom by an unseen hand. The way into the holiest is now laid open to the people. Just as Jesus had said, "I am the Way, the Truth & the LIFE, No one comes to the Father except through ME."

Starting Over - A Place to Fall

2011-02-28T22:49:00.000-08:00

It was over 10 months ago that my dear husband passed away. At the time of my last post, we were cleaning out and packing up the house, preparing to move out of state to avoid foreclosure on our house. We had both lost our jobs two years before that, the poor economy in CA hit us hard. Dear husband became increasingly more ill due to complications from diabetes and kidney failure. I was unable to find work, as the stress of caring for him and keeping house and home together consumed my mind and time. Our plan was to move out, sell the house and settle down where our savings and retirement monies would go further. But God had other plans.

Wrapping up a person's estate here on earth is no easy task. Besides mourning their loss and missing them terribly, there's a lot of paperwork to handle and phone calls to make. I also had to keep packing and moving along toward the goal of selling the house. It was physically and emotionally exhausting. By God's grace, I was able to get through it. I praise Him for supplying my every need for help when I needed it most. Good friends from my church and my neighbors were willing to help me pack, clean, hold garage sales, take stuff to the dump and Goodwill, brought food, money, advice, fellowship, and expertise in specific areas to fix up the house to sell.

Our daughter and granddaughter lived with us, so they were also grieving the loss of "daddy" and "Bumpa". Our son lived out of the house and because of work and school, could not go with us.

Then we had to say goodbye to my son, my mom, my brothers and other family members, my husband's family, long-time friends, our church family, wonderful neighbors; a real heart wrenching time for all of us. Words cannot even begin to explain how hard that was. I lived 50 years in one city, my kids were born there.

But God...

He had places ready for us to fall. My family in WA opened their hearts and homes to share. I live with my sis and her husband on 5 acres in the country, surrounded by trees, very rural, not far from beautiful Puget Sound. My daughter and granddaughter live with my niece and her large family on 2-1/2 acres at the end of the long driveway. We are close by one another, but it is still hard not to be together as a family as we know it.

Starting over....

Jesus Christ, my Lord, is my husband now, in a truer sense. He showed me the promise in
Isaiah 54:4-5
"Fear not; you will no longer live in shame.
Don't be afraid, there is no more disgrace for you.
You will no longer remember the shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood.
For your Creator will be your husband.
The Lord of Heaven's Armies is His name!
He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth."

He is the one to whom I go for direction, for comfort and peace. He has never failed me in all the many years I've known Him. His grace is sufficient for me. He is ever faithful to ensure I'm still His and filled with His righteousness, comfort and strength.

So here I am, not my will, but His. Learning to accept His will, that sometimes seems a bit foreign, and to trust that He knows what is best for me and my family is an everyday discipline and choice that I must make when I wake each day and go to sleep at night.

With my husband's estate finally winding to a close, paperwork and phone calls less and less, I can look to the future a little clearer. An uncertain journey, this unexpected event, being single, alone, starting over.

By God's grace and in His timing, I'll be able to do this.

Marilyn ♥

How Old is Old?

2010-03-14T16:23:00.000-07:00

I was searching through the (cluttered) mass of plastic bags of frozen food in our refrigerator freezer today, in hopes of finding some ground turkey for dinner tonight. I knew it was in there, I just couldn’t find it within easy reach. Digging further (I had my special freezer gloves on for that), to my surprise and embarrassment (there goes that word again), I did find the ground turkey, but it was dried up and funny colored in bags marked 8-30-08 and 6-09. Wonderful…

So, remembering my friend FlyLady and the advice of SHE, I attempted at least one hour of decluttering (of all things) my refrigerator. It took way less than an hour. And how old is old? I think I won the prize for this one. I found a juice can marked 4-02-04. No kidding! And it was in the front!

Friends, my pantry is next. In it is a mix of boxed food, pasta packages, bottles of this and that, Tupperware and miscellaneous plastic containers and lids. I’m sure it will take me not one hour or two but the entire day to clean, declutter and rearrange. And I’m going to do it! Maybe one shelf at a time. God help me…

Love ya all,

Marilyn

(not MaryLynn, no more alias, I’m coming out of the ‘clutter closet’ – ha!)

Some Progress, Some Setbacks

2010-02-21T14:50:00.000-08:00

The week following the post about cleaning up my house, I did manage to actually clean off half my kitchen table, even though I wasn't feeling well at all. On the table was an old, large tuner and an even larger, old turntable that we removed from our old entertainment center so that it could be hauled out by the Salvation Army. Our new TV furniture holds less equipment, so those pieces had to go. They sat on our table for over a month. We ate on trays or on the other half of the table. I was sick of it. Like I said before, our garage is full, so I knew I would have to create an area to place those pieces and guess what, I actually did find a space they would fit in perfectly! Will wonders ever cease...? !

I felt such a sense of accomplishment that I started cleaning out a drawer and a cupboard and filled up a couple bags and boxes. My next projects were already brewing in my head and I was making mental to-do lists while hunting for more boxes and bags to fill up. I was on a mission!

Then, last Wednesday, my husband had to be admitted to the hospital and it has been crazy ever since, with me driving back and forth and nothing getting done at home. You see, my husband, who has kidney failure from diabetes, is on dialysis and contracted an infection from the procedure. He's still in the hospital, but finally getting better. One evening I was too uptight to sleep after coming home from the hospital, so watched a TV show called, "Hoarders" that my daughter had recorded. Although the people featured were extreme cases, I recognized and empathized with the feelings of the people that hoarded stuff and lived with clutter and messes.

So I had an idea. While my hubby is in the hospital, I want to attack the corner of the livingroom where he lives in his easy chair, and keeps his blankets, pillows and other stuff. He doesn't walk much due to neuropathy in his legs and feet, so he spends his days watching TV, using his laptop, reading, talking on the phone, or just sleeping. He keeps his cane, walker and booster pillow for his legs within reach. He also has a stash of sugarless candy and gum in an old box on the table, magazines, old mail and other papers scattered all over. That corner of the room looks more like a hospital room, so it is a challenge to keep it looking nice and clean.

I pray God grants me the energy and know-how to make that corner look nice, while also being helpful to my hubby. I need strength because I'm so wiped out emotionally and physically from driving and being at the hospital so much. But I would like it to surprise him when he comes home to find it neat, tidy and organized for him.

Mary Lynn xo

Declutter or Bust

2010-02-05T21:32:00.001-08:00

They say confession is good for the soul. So, today, after tripping over my grandchild's toys and losing my slippers in the mess on the floor, I took pictures of the inside of my house. BEFORE pictures. Cuz I'm going to clean and purge the guts out of this place & I want you all to see the difference when I'm done. This place is downright depressing and overwhelming. This could take me 6 months, but I hope it will take less once I get the hang of it. (Where's Oprah when I need her?) My house is small and we have a lot of stuff. The garage has two paths, one to the washer & dryer, the other to the freezer. So, guess what. There's no room left to put anything from the house. Time for a couple of garage sales for sure. And the pictures don't even include the messes in our bedrooms. Yikes, the closets alone...

My daughter watched a TV show the other day about hoarders and ended up crying because it was about US. I'm not a hoarder so much as I am unable to decide what to do with something or where it should go. If I don't want it, do I just throw it away, sell it or give it away? That means I'll have to make a decision, which is hard too because I'm very indecisive about many things. Here is a sampling of my 'before' house. Whew... it's hot in here. Oh wait, that's my face turning red from embarrassment:

I'm thinking about using a card system that my sister uses. Or doing the systematic approach, working my way around the room. The only problem is where to put stuff once I throw it in a box to be taken out. I'll probably have to pick a wall & just start piling boxes there as if we're moving. Which could be just around the corner anyway considering I still haven't found a job and we'll have to sell. But that's another story.

Wish me luck! Pray! I really need it. Send suggestions, advice, comments. And if any of you out there have done the 'before and after' decluttering in your home, let me know how you did it. I'll keep you all posted on my progress.

MaryLynn xo

Use Your Spoon!

2010-01-23T09:14:00.000-08:00

I must have said it 25 times, "Use your spoon!" I was getting exasperated. My adorable granddaughter, who will be 2 in a few weeks, likes to scoop her cereal and milk out of the bowl with her hand instead of her spoon. She will also use her spoon and does a pretty good job, but constantly uses her hands to assist with using the spoon, interchangeably. Then it dawned on my pea brain that for months we had taught her to use her little fingers to pick up food. I remember how delighted we all were when she was able to pick up food using two fingers instead of her hand in a fist, and place food gingerly and expertly in her mouth. What a triumph and we would all clap and praise her for it. Now, instead of praise, she gets my demanding "Use a spoon!" response. Doesn't seem fair, does it? And she must be a little confused. Where's all the praise for using her hands, even with liquid now? Hmm...

Just like a child, you and I are constantly being pushed to go another step in our maturity, our thinking, our doing of this life. At first we think it may be unfair, or not doable, or we just are too lazy to be stretched and matured. But it all makes sense, doesn't it?

A new driver starts learning behind the wheel with an instructor maybe in a parking lot or side street where they won't be in the way of other drivers. But that new driver will never learn how to make a safe left hand turn if he doesn't get into the intersection - of life. It takes experience and a willingness to grow smarter and stronger.

Thoughts for my day... Marylynn xo

PERSPECTIVE

2010-01-17T15:36:00.000-08:00

I have two brothers. HA is single, in his 50’s, intelligent, funny and creative. His big, 6’2”frame is, however, carrying close to 350 lbs. This weight is causing problems such as back pain, fatigue, no energy, a constant worry to him. He is an alcoholic and drinks beer, which keeps the weight on and his stomach huge. I feel for him, because for most of his life, he was the smallest kid of all four of us, and always thin until the past 10 yrs. or so. But the beer….

He recently emailed me that he went 14 days without a beer, went on a strict diet and lost over 20 lbs! I was humbled and surprised by his comment, ‘Imagine what I would have lost trapped under rubble.’ So the beer money is going to Haiti. I’m very proud of him! And I admire his thoughtful perspective.

My mother, 90, lives in assisted living and has dementia, which she refers to as a total annoyance and disruption in her life. She knows she is forgetful and gets confused about many things, but it is not 24/7, so much of the time she can take care of herself and some of the small, simple details of her life. Lately, however, she is having a harder time just getting up in the mornings. Once she is up, had her coffee and toast, she is good to go the rest of the day. The hard part is deciding if she needs someone to come in early in the mornings to help her get going. That could be expensive, plus, Mom is against it, as she is still a bit stubborn about her privacy and lifestyle.

So my older brother, JC, who takes good care of Mom’s bills and bank accounts, suggested that he pay me (from Mom’s account) to give her the extra attention she needs more often now. I was struck by the thought that while I am unemployed and really need an income, I just wouldn’t feel as loving or caring if I was going over to Mom’s to care for her for the money. Should I pay myself to do what I would otherwise do out of a love for her? I also have to consider my hubby, who is disabled and unable to drive. I do many other things for him on a daily basis. I have to plan times to go to my Mom’s when I don’t have to do stuff for hubby. It is usually last minute, but I’m trying more and more to show up to help her regularly. I never thought about being paid for what I do for her. I am suddenly in a quandary.

I will seek God’s wisdom concerning this and make a decision this week. Everyone, take care, love God, be considerate and flexible.

Love, MaryLynn :)

2009-07-17T23:04:00.000-07:00

I wonder if anyone reads my blog. I think my friend Emily does occasionally. I’m so new to all this that I don’t know how to keep track of people peeking in or from where, like some blogs I visit with the world all lit up from various visitors and fancy “feeds” telling who popped in from what city in the world. If people are reading, I don’t get comments. Or, it could be I’m writing to myself - and God. Ha! Just Him and me in cyberspace together. Hmmmm… But then He created what we are using, so really, it’s me in His space: Godspace! Ha! I crack me up. He’s just loaning it all to us, the air space and the electrical currents of whatever makes it all work for us to communicate on the internet.
It’s hot here tonight, too hot to sleep. The constant whir of the fans keeps me from falling into a deep sleep anyway. So I sit up alone in the quiet of my house, while the others manage to sleep.
Or is it the heat and fans that keep me awake? Not sure. I do know that I’m uncomfortable in the place that I am in at this time in my life. I feel insecure, unsure of the future, as if my life is in some kind of holding pattern. What am I waiting for? Not having a job is a huge factor, a regular income no longer expected. And not by choice either.
Choices. It was not my choice to be laid off from a perfectly good job with good pay. But it was my choice to then quit a not so great job later on, without having another job to go to. Big mistake. I still can’t believe I did that, but I guess I was confident that I would find another job with no problem. Not to be. The month I quit my job, headlines in the newspapers and internet displayed rising unemployment figures by the minute across the entire country! I was still sure I would have no problem getting a new job. That was over a year ago…
Yes, I’m in a whole new place right now. My new job is finding a job! And figuring out how to make ends meet. It takes extreme patience and wisdom from Almighty God, that’s for sure. I trust He is listening, seeing and helping me and my family through this dilemma. We are certainly not alone or being singled out. But it is still hard to figure out my path and what my next step should be.

2009-07-06T10:55:00.000-07:00

CELEBRATE!!

2009-07-05T15:27:00.000-07:00

Celebrating the 4th of July is becoming more important for me each passing year, as I cherish our freedoms here in the good ol’ USA. It is also a time for me to reflect on being more appreciative and grateful for having been born here, with all the privileges and opportunities available to me my entire life! This July 4 was even more special, as my hubby and I shared it with my daughter, her boyfriend and their daughter, my one and only adorable granddaughter (OOAG). OOAG loved the fireworks. The noise did not bother her. She would reach out to the sky to try to catch them – so cute! She stayed up late with us too, cheerfully and happily. It was only when we all piled into the pickup headed home around midnight, that she konked out. She slept 11 hours straight.
Another important personal aspect of celebrating Independence Day this year is the fact that my daughter will soon celebrate one year of being clean from drugs and her BF celebrated six months clean this week. It has been a busy, sometimes chaotic, difficult, challenging year for those two, so I know they were glad to celebrate their freedom here in the USA, as well as freedom from the chains of drug addiction.
Let Freedom ring!

2009-05-29T21:13:00.000-07:00

What to Eat

I am a little concerned. My adorable granddaughter (AG) seems to be a picky eater lately, barely savoring bites of delicious foods before nonchalantly letting them fall from her sticky fingers onto the floor for the dog. When given a tiny quarter pbj sandwich, she’ll gingerly pull it apart, lick the peanut butter, check out the jam, lick again, flick the bread here and there, until it no longer even resembles a sandwich square. Show her the Gerber baby ‘stars’ (junk food I call it), and she laughs with glee and gobbles them up. Some days it seems she barely eats solid food, but always has room for her ‘baba’ (bottle). She has wasted many a good hot dog, hamburger, vegetable, fruit and bread, prepared by those who love and care about her growing up healthy and strong.

I found myself comparing AG’s attitude toward food to some Christians’ attitudes about being fed God’s word, helping themselves to dessert or feel-good food, more than meat and veggies, or eating junk food to save time or keep from having to prepare something healthy. How do we prepare ourselves for God’s food? Do we have a good Bible on hand to read? Are our bookshelves stocked with spirit-led devotionals to jump start the day or great books to help us through different issues. clarify truths or to glean inspiration? Do we support our pastor(s) by regularly attending church service and gathering around the table with our Christian family in remembrance of our dear Lord and Savior, or are we absent from the ‘table’ and instead sneaking candy bars on the side? Do we really hunger and thirst after His righteousness?

Something to think about the next time your heart, mind and/or spirit craves renewal, refreshment, strength, healing, and satisfaction. Like a full stomach and clear mind, hearing and reading God’s word grows us, strengthens our faith and enlightens our minds to His Truth. Preparing God’s word for someone else is just as important for the edification of the body of Christ, for teaching the little ones, for practicing being a servant, and for inviting lost souls to partake in Him.

So, little AG, when once upon a time this tiny bottle was critical to your survival in the NICU, come to the table and eat what is prepared before you, for your gramma who loves you so, wants you to grow up strong, healthy and happy in Jesus.

Funny

2009-04-18T20:14:00.000-07:00

My granddaughter is not only cute, sweet and smart, she is funny. She has a sense of humor that comes from within. She makes me laugh. She knows when she is being funny, with that twinkle in her eye, waiting for my reaction. She makes faces, uses her hands, hair or clothes to do funny things, giggles at herself or others, manipulates her toys to do funny things. Her imagination is in full force, her body works just as hard. Here are a few pics of my funny girl.

Peek-A-Boo

Playing with her toes.

Goofing off while eating, running her grimy hands through her hair.

Cute in her Bunny Suit

Sigh.... what's a gramma to do? I'm grateful God gave her such humor, it's a gift. I'm sure she will need it in her life ahead. All for now.

MaB (my new signature)

Waiting for the Good when Everything is so Bad.

2009-04-02T18:45:00.000-07:00

A year ago, after my daughter gave birth to her first child in January (our first and only granddaughter), our family experienced joy and gratefulness for her young life. For baby had a rough beginning, but was safe and sound in her foster's mother's loving arms, a wonderful woman my daughter had known since being very young. To make a long story short - a very long year of legal stuff with CPS, rehab, court dates, social workers, would follow. Bringing with it heartache, stress and strained family situations, anxiety, confusion, frustration and sore knees from praying for God's help.

Today, I am proud and relieved to share that God came through, of course, and our daughter was awarded legal custody of her dear baby girl on April 1. Both are healing nicely, as well as our family and other situations.

God has clearly showered us with His blessings, healing and help during this time. His promise in Romans 8:28 has come alive in our home and hearts. Praise God!!

My Lord knows what is best and when, the transformations that need to be done, and shows me glimpses of His power to change people and circumstances, to heal and plant joy and hope in my heart and mind.

Just Like Israel

2009-03-05T08:55:00.000-08:00

"Above all, I know there is a Supreme Being who rules the affairs of men and whose goodness and mercy have always followed the American people, and I know He will not turn from us now if we humbly and reverently seek His powerful aid." —Grover Cleveland, Second Inaugural Address, March 4, 1893

We are a nation in need and God knows it. As a Christian, I tend to pray for my needs and those around me, my family, friends, church members, even friends of friends. But do I pray for my leaders, those in government? Sometimes, but rarely. Those who have the 'power', so to speak. Those who actually change, re-arrange, add or take away the very rules and freedoms we live by. Seems I should be taking what is happening in my own nation more seriously. I pray for a job, but guess what. I'm not the only one. Unemployment is like an epidemic and competition is stiff! Why? Not because of my life, or just my local government or even because of California leadership. It is nation-wide! So I must begin to pray daily, for my great and beautiful America, to be humble before God, seek His wisdom, His ways, His word, His guidance and leading. Depending on His unending grace, mercy, love and truth to hear and guide me. Not a new idea...
God bless you all~~

A New Day

2009-03-04T17:35:00.000-08:00

The only way is up at this point. The Lord is bringing me to a point where I have exhausted all my worldly efforts to finding a job, only to let Him do the work for me. Trusting, believing, stepping aside, believing He does love me enough to let me suffer a little while with victory at the end. I hope to be laughing and dancing at His rescue efforts. I've read Job, but maybe not deep enough, hard enough, serious enough. Then there was Joseph and others in the O.T. that God let get to the end of their efforts, only to lift them up to wonderful victory with a great story to pass on to all generations. I want that...